I really am okay.
Once I calmed down yesterday, I was able to think things through and realize that I was really feeling two things.
1. Hurt from the rejection. Being rejected over and over again over a 22 month period can beat a person down. If you let yourself think about it, you can start to really feel bad about yourself.
2. Fear. I didn't really care about that particular situation. I was crushed because I felt like not being chosen for that baby means we won't be chosen for the Nebraska baby (or any other baby for that matter.) What I have since reminded myself is that every expectant mother is different. They are each looking for different things in an adoptive parent/couple and not being chosen one time has nothing to do with what will happen another time. It's not about me. It's about whatever random thing they connected with when they looked at the profile they chose. (Of course that doesn't stop it from hurting each time.) Anyday now it could be our profile that an expectant mother will look at and find something they connect with. It's important I keep reminding myself of that. Otherwise, I would probably just give up.
I really want to be chosen for the Nebraska baby. (Duh.) There are a couple details about the situation that I feel a connection to. Plus the timing would be amazing. It's coming up on summer vacation for the kids, which means families with be going on vacations and there will be less kids here. It really would be the ideal time. Also, if we get chosen for this baby, we don't have to renew our homestudy. We are getting closer to having to make decisions about renewal and figure out how we would come up with the money. It's very stressful. I am still holding my breath for that miracle.
Thank you for the continued support. You have all been amazing. I can't tell you how many of your comments (and tweets) made me cry yesterday. Each one was like a giant comforting hug. Not just on yesterday's post, but the Hard Weekend post as well. I owe a huge thank you to Mel from Stirrup Queens for that. Both Mel and Kate from Busted Plumbing have been my Fairy BlogMothers. They are the reason I have the followers that I do. By highlighting posts of mine, telling me that my blog is good, encouraging me to keep writing, and sending people over to give me support, they have made my blog what it is now. Without them, there is no way I would have 98 blog followers. As I type that number I am absolutely amazed. Thank you!!!