If they would have told us two years ago that we had to wait two years and then we would get a baby, I honestly would have been okay with it.
I would have settled in for a long wait and kept busy.
It's not really the waiting that is hard. It's all the emotions and feelings that come with it.
It's knowing that you could get THE call anyday. It's always being on edge waiting for it.
It's also the ups and downs. The calls about being profiled and then the rejection phone call that devestates you. Or even when you go months without hearing anything. That's just as hard. You keep wondering if they forgot about you.
I think the hardest part is always wondering if you are doing something wrong. Like maybe you should have went with a different agency. Or done private advertising. Or did a better job making your profile.
My profile has been a source of major anxiety. When I first made it, I felt like it was great and expectant mothers would love it. I now feel like it's awful and I should be embarrassed of it. I've made changes over time, but we are still not being chosen. We're in the process of a big profile make-over with the help of a friend. Our agency has called to say we need to send more profiles soon. (Didn't we just make new copies?!?!)
We've basically spent the last two years feeling judged all the time. Judged by the social worker who does our home visits, our case worker at the agency, our agency in general, expectant mothers, other waiting adoptive couples, and even our own friends and family. The longer we wait, the more we feel like people are looking at us and wondering what is wrong with us.
Our family reunion is next weekend. Talk about feeling judged!
I am hoping the profile changes will make us feel better about it all and give us some renewed hope.
I just can't believe two years have gone by. That's a major portion of our lives spent on hold. And we are still waiting and wondering when it will happen for us.