I have not written in a week. That's a long time for me. I think one of the reasons is that I had a conversation with our case worker at our adoption agency and I felt bad afterwords, but didn't really have a way of putting into words why I felt that way.
She suggested I try doing private advertising and maybe contact an adoption lawyer. The conversation left me feeling like they were giving up on me. Like I am a lost cause. Luckily I came right out and asked if they were giving up on me, and she was quick to say no. She said she just wanted to offer other options. Things to do in addition to waiting with them.
She told me we were profiled for another baby and not chosen. She said she didn't call us because she is very worried about how hard this has been on us. Although she did say it's probably for the best because it's a risky situation that may not end in placement.
She then went and got a copy of our profile and we went over some ways we might want to change it. She had a couple good ideas.
I took a vacation from my problems for the long 4th of July weekend. I have 483 mosquito bites and a little sunburn. A sure sign of a good weekend! It was the first time in a long time that I spent a holiday weekend having fun and not being sad about being childless. We had plans everyday with people we really enjoy and it took my mind off of everything.
Now I am back to reality. I had trouble falling asleep because I was thinking about everything. We need to organize a fundraiser so we can renew our homestudy so I was making all sorts of crazy lists in my head. My brain didn't stop going a mile a minute until almost 2 AM.
Then this morning I found out someone using our agency lapped us. They adopted their first baby when we were starting our wait. They had only waited a very short time. When I heard they were starting the process again, I immediately thought about how devestated I would be if they adopted their second baby while we were still waiting. Sure enough, they did, and it really hurts.
Although I do feel absolutely beaten down by this process, I will never give up. This just gives me more motivation to make our profile better. I am excited about the changes we are making. More to come about that later!