I thought I would feel a huge sense of relief after our social worker visit yesterday, but I really didn't.
I think I just felt sadness that we are still waiting with no end in sight.
While she was here, she said she has met with many couples who had to renew their homestudy a second time and they all got there babies within six months later. She said something like- if it doesn't happen within six months, I am sure it will be in the seventh or eighth month, hang in there. I know this was meant to reassure me and make me feel better, but all I could think about was how absolutely crushing it would be to live through another holiday season with no baby.
It made me think about Christmas in 2003 when I thought I was ovulating and was going to get pregnant on Christmas day. Every single Christmas from then on I was convinced we would have a baby the next year. Do you have any idea how many times I have gotten teary in hallmark looking at the Baby's 1st Christmas ornaments? It's 2010. I can't do it another year. This has to be it.
I also had a general feeling of shame and embarrassment that we are still waiting. It's hard to not feel bad about yourself when you wait a lot longer than the average waiting time. It's humiliating. The adoption process looks so easy for some people.
Of course I was feeling all these different emotions and Adam was just happy it was over and was getting ready to go to the Bills/Bengals football game with my uncle.
Before Adam left, I made him go over to the house of horrors to check on the fish. I have been having nightmares about it and could not bring myself to go over again. He came back and said another fish was dead and the water is a lot more murky than the day before. There are way too many fish in there and it's a really bad situation. They come home today and I am freaking out about their reaction. I did not sleep well last night. It's going to be so awkward.
After flushing another fish, Adam then came across a squirrel stuck in a volleyball net that was on the ground in another neighbor's yard. The poor little guy was all wrapped up in it and could not get out. He ran and got me and we were both watching as the squirrel tried over and over again to run away. I went in the house and got scissors and Adam put on gardening gloves so he could try and cut it out. He got it free, but the squirrel still had that part of the net wrapped around his tail and legs. We feel so bad for him and keep wondering if he is okay. I hope he was able to get himself free. Also, there is the issue of us cutting a neighbor's volleyball net. They weren't home so we couldn't ask them first. We didn't know what to do.
Basically, we might need to move after this week.