The Truth Is.....

The truth is that nothing about this 24 hour period feels like a vacation.

I tried so hard, but my brain won.

The agency called us yesterday about an out of state baby boy who was born that morning. Let's just say it's south of here and would take about 16 hours to get there...depending on where in the state the baby actually is. (Yes, I looked it up.)

The price for this situation is VERY high.

I am frustrated with the cost because I feel like it's not fair. For a few reasons. I won't get into them now.

It's absolutely more money than we can afford. When she told me, I had a voice inside screaming, "Tell her no now. Don't even get details. That is way too much."

I told her we would think about it. She said an answer by the end of the day would be good, but they could wait until the next morning.

5 PM came and went and I never called so I knew I had to make a decision by this morning.

I obsessed and obsessed. Talked to people. Obsessed more.

We ended up only staying for one of the movies at the drive-in last night. Adam wasn't feeling well and I was exhausted and distracted.

We saw Despicable Me by the way. It was very cute, but I did cry.

I got up around 4:30 this morning because I was feeling really sick. I had some quiet time in the living room by myself until about 6 when I finally went back to sleep.

When I woke up, I called the agency to say no. The money is too much and how will we ever be able to adopt again if we do this now? Plus, I am scared to put us in a position of being that much in debt.

Somehow when I called, the word "no" never actually came out of my mouth.

Instead I asked if there was a way to find out more about the possible medical problem the baby is having. She said they are doing tests and they might have some more answers later today.

I did tell her how much of an issue the price is for us. But, I went ahead and asked for the update later.

I don't even know if we are going to the water park today. We should probably save the money instead.

My head is killing me.

Oh, and while I had her on the phone I asked about the last case with the unknown birth father and it turns out it doesn't really matter which birth father it is because the expectant mother did not choose us anyway. :/

That's the other thing- even if we say yes and go ahead and be profiled for this case, it doesn't mean they will pick us. The odds are a lot better because there are less people, but we could go through all this agony and not be picked anyway.

If I am being completely honest with myself, unless the medical information is something very serious, we will probably move forward. I can't bring myself to say no. Everytime I pick up the phone to say no, I just can't do it.

Adam and I just had a conversation about boy names.

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As I was about to hit publish post, the agency called and said the baby just passed away.

I can barely see the screen through my tears.

I have no words.

I can't imagine the pain his family is feeling right now.