Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Truth Is.....

The truth is that nothing about this 24 hour period feels like a vacation.

I tried so hard, but my brain won.

The agency called us yesterday about an out of state baby boy who was born that morning. Let's just say it's south of here and would take about 16 hours to get there...depending on where in the state the baby actually is. (Yes, I looked it up.)

The price for this situation is VERY high.

I am frustrated with the cost because I feel like it's not fair. For a few reasons. I won't get into them now.

It's absolutely more money than we can afford. When she told me, I had a voice inside screaming, "Tell her no now. Don't even get details. That is way too much."

I told her we would think about it. She said an answer by the end of the day would be good, but they could wait until the next morning.

5 PM came and went and I never called so I knew I had to make a decision by this morning.

I obsessed and obsessed. Talked to people. Obsessed more.

We ended up only staying for one of the movies at the drive-in last night. Adam wasn't feeling well and I was exhausted and distracted.

We saw Despicable Me by the way. It was very cute, but I did cry.

I got up around 4:30 this morning because I was feeling really sick. I had some quiet time in the living room by myself until about 6 when I finally went back to sleep.

When I woke up, I called the agency to say no. The money is too much and how will we ever be able to adopt again if we do this now? Plus, I am scared to put us in a position of being that much in debt.

Somehow when I called, the word "no" never actually came out of my mouth.

Instead I asked if there was a way to find out more about the possible medical problem the baby is having. She said they are doing tests and they might have some more answers later today.

I did tell her how much of an issue the price is for us. But, I went ahead and asked for the update later.

I don't even know if we are going to the water park today. We should probably save the money instead.

My head is killing me.

Oh, and while I had her on the phone I asked about the last case with the unknown birth father and it turns out it doesn't really matter which birth father it is because the expectant mother did not choose us anyway. :/

That's the other thing- even if we say yes and go ahead and be profiled for this case, it doesn't mean they will pick us. The odds are a lot better because there are less people, but we could go through all this agony and not be picked anyway.

If I am being completely honest with myself, unless the medical information is something very serious, we will probably move forward. I can't bring myself to say no. Everytime I pick up the phone to say no, I just can't do it.

Adam and I just had a conversation about boy names.


As I was about to hit publish post, the agency called and said the baby just passed away.

I can barely see the screen through my tears.

I have no words.

I can't imagine the pain his family is feeling right now.


  1. I am so sorry. What a lot to go through emotionally in just a few hours. Wishing you a chance to decompress and find peace.

  2. Oh my gosh! I'm not even sure what to say. I'm so sorry. I hate hate hate that having a family comes down to money for some of us. This is one of the reasons we stopped IF treatments--lots of money and no guarantees. I'll be thinking of you.

    Take care.

  3. I am so, so sorry. Sending you peaceful thoughts.

  4. I am so sorry. That's awful.

    Keeping you and the baby's family in my thoughts.

  5. Oh no! I'm so incredibly sorry. Thinking of you and that boy's family.

  6. omg, so sorry for the whirlwind and everything. That is so terrible about that baby boy :(

  7. Oh, that is just heart breaking. So sorry for all those who had their hearts touched by this little baby.

  8. Oh Lisa, what a horrible 24 hours you've had. You are in my prayers. You know my offer to help you work outside of your agency still stands. I also just learned about a brand new matching site that is non-profit and much cheaper than PP.

    Are you on fb? If so, friend me. Megan Penny Wright in Seattle. I have a lot of connections there that may be able to help too.

  9. I am so sorry to hear this.
    I am sorry it's so expensive, and unfair and sorry that you didn't get a day to relax.
    I am so sorry for that little baby.
    Hang in there.

  10. Oh my gosh Lisa. Heartbreaking for both you and the family. I'm so sorry.

  11. i too am so sorry you have to go through this, so sorry that such a terrible thing has crossed your path, or anyones path for that matter...
    I know in my heart that no matter what is said to you it will not be enough to ease the pain. Just know that there are so many people who love and care for you and will be praying for you, and the babys family. Hold onto those you love and lean on adam and your family as much as you can... Have faith and know that we are all thinking of you.

  12. Wow lisa:-( nothing i can say will change anything..i just had chills after reading this....until i got to the end when bigger chills came...this is so not fair:-(

  13. oh Lisa :( i'm so so so sorry you had to go through this roller coaster of emotions. i'm heartbroken for you and that little baby...*huge hugs*

  14. I am so sorry. That is such a tragic story for everyone involved. *hugs*

  15. Oh my gosh, Lisa. I am so sorry. What a horrible situation for everyone. Sending you hugs.

  16. There really are no words. Really. I'm, of course, very, very sorry and as always, you're on my mind and in my heart.

  17. Oh Lisa, my dear friend. I am so incredibly sorry to read about this. My heart goes out to you and Adam. =*(

  18. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Our birth mom lost her baby a few days ago at 20 weeks, and we just found out today. My tears haven't stopped all day. I am so sad and I can't imagine how the birth mothers in these situations feel. The loss of a child just fills me with so much sadness.

    I am thinking of you and praying we both meet our babies soon.

  19. I'm so sorry :-( How incredibly terrible. Huge, huge hugs.

  20. I am so sorry to hear about this :( ((HUGS)) I wish something I could say would make it better.

  21. Our agency never called us when they were showing our profile. They just showed it and only called us if the birth mom wanted to meet us, or if she chose us. I liked that.

  22. I am so sorry! I can't even imagine. Many prayers!

  23. Wow, so very sad & heartbreaking! Thinking of both you & the baby's birth family! Lots of **hugs**

  24. I am so sorry to read this. (((hugs)) I will say prayers for all. How incredibly sad.

  25. Oh my goodness, that's awful. I'm so sorry for the family too, but also for what YOU have been through. No one knows that feeling except people trying to adopt, so I totally get it. *HUG*

  26. **hugs** Always thinking of you.