Friday, June 4, 2010

so sick of the rejection

A few weeks ago we were called about a baby due in late August. Originally they thought it would be a quick decision, but then the expectant mother took some extra time and I stopped thinking about it because I figured she changed her mind.

Well, just now the agency called to say she made a decision. At first I was confused and thought it was the Nebraska baby. So, they cleared that up with me and then there was silence. So, I was like, "Well, I am guessing it wasn't us that was chosen then?" The whole conversation was very awkward. It was someone new at the agency who called. They actually just started a week ago. After telling us that we were not chosen AGAIN, she began saying things that sounded like she was reading from a script. Not at all comforting. From the things she was saying, you could tell she was not really taking into consideration that we have been waiting a very long 22 months. This is not my first rejection phone call.

I confirmed with her that there is no answer about the Nebraska baby yet. The expectant mother is still deciding.

Honestly, I have had hope and excitment about it all week, but I really don't anymore. I really don't have faith that we will ever be chosen.

I have been completely beaten down by this process. How much rejection can one person take? My gut feeling right now is that I just want to quit so I never have to feel this rejection again.

I am exhausted. I have barely slept this week. I now know we won't have an answer about the Nebraska baby until next week. I am so tired of waiting.

I feel like this process is slowly killing me. I barely even recognize myself anymore.

I am like a crazy person. If you read through my posts, I go from desperate depression to excitment and hope and then back to depression again. How much longer do I have to live like this?

I can barely see the screen through my tears right now and the kids will be here off the bus in a few minutes. I better go pull myself together, put on my pretend happy face, and hope for early picks ups for the kids today.

13 comments:

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  2. My heart cries for you.
    Don't give up.
    Love you <3

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  3. Hi Lisa, I'm sorry this has been such an impossibly long time for you. I have no words of wisdom, people tell me that 'your child will come' and I absolutely believe that, for you especially. I am waiting to hear from my agency about a baby born two weeks ago, the first mom is still deciding what she wants to do so I know it's hard. For myself, I don't want to pressure the first mom into doing something that she doesn't want to do, but when your there, ready and waiting with open arms, it's hard not to get frustrated, so though I have not been waiting as long, I know just a little of what you are going through, and wish you well.

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  4. This is just so hard Lisa. Hang in there. Your day will come.

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  5. Lisa, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this process for so long. I know your day will come though. <3

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  6. I know nothing I say will make it better. But I want you to know I am thinking of you. ((hugs))

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  7. I am so praying for you guys. "Life isn't fair" just doesn't really cut it for everything you've been through.

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  8. Who cares about August baby? August baby is sooooo old news. Its all about Nebraska baby now! Go Nebraska, go!!

    Seriously, you know I love you to pieces. I can't even imagine how difficult this is. And if you need an alibi to steal a baby from the store, I'm your girl.

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  9. I'm so sorry, Lisa. (((HUGS)))

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  10. I am sorry to hear that. I know that your day will come soon.

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  11. We are with you. Excited with you. Sad with you. With you always, even though you don't feel our arms. I'm sorry Lisa. Hang in there. The right one is yet to come. And now I'm blurry! They will come when the time is right and nothing will be able to take them away. Hang in there!

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  12. Wow, this roller coaster is so unbelievably unfair. You have every right to feel that somedays there is no hope left, and others you're full of excitement. I'm still pulling for Nebraska baby!!! Lots of love!

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