Secret Society

My summer program is now in full swing. I had a low number of kids today so I was able to take them to the library and a couple other places.

When we are out, people assume they are my kids. It's been a while and I forgot what it is like to walk around in the world giving off the impression that you have children.

People are nicer to you. They make eye contact with you and smile.

It's like there is a secret society of moms. They acknowledge each other.

Even an elderly woman stopped and asked if we wanted to pet her dog and told us to have a nice day.

When we were at the grocery store picking out ingredients for our cooking project, other moms smiled knowingly as we had conversations about what we could and could not get.

When we went through the drive-thru at Tim Hortons so I could get an Iced Capp on the way home, the lady at the window started talking about how nice it was that we went to the library (she could see the kids looking at the books in the backseat.) Nobody makes small talk with me at a drive-thru when I am alone.

Summertime always gives me just enough of a taste of being a mom to know what I am missing.

Wake Me When It's Fall

I hate the summer.

I know, most people think I am crazy.

I have never liked hot weather. I would rather it be 20 degrees than 90.

The only thing I like about summer is swimming. I love water. We don't have a pool though. Or live by an ocean. Once or twice in the summer we spend the money to go to a water park for the day. We mostly spend time in the wave pool and the lazy river. I love them both.

Other than that, I really hate summertime.

My work schedule stinks. I work 11-12 hours a day for less money than I make during the school-year.

My allergies are bad.

I'm always hot. (I am assuming this will only be made worse by hot flashes this year?)

My parents are going away for two weeks. We have to take care of their cats, get their mail, water all their plants, mow their lawn, etc, etc. Plus, I am completely anxiety ridden when they travel. I don't know why. It's always been like that for me. Even growing up I had bad anxiety when my mom would go somewhere that I knew I wouldn't be able to reach her if I needed her.

We have a family reunion July 17th that I am already dreading.

And the biggest reason summer sucks.....

It is homestudy renewal time. AGAIN.

(We still haven't sent the check in to start the renewal process. Probably because we have no idea where the money will come from.)

So, really, I would like to just go to sleep and someone can wake me up when this summer of hell is over with.

For now I am going to daydream of the Fall.

Adam and I LOVE the Fall.

Here are some pictures that make me very happy:

Oooo....the scary pumpkin room....eeek

The apple mill we go to every weekend in the Fall.

Just a part of our Halloween village

We have a Fall party every year and I made these gravestone cupcakes for each guest one year.

Mummy cupcakes

Brinkley in his vampire costume.

My attempt at carving a tiger.

He Gets It

Adam and I went out to dinner for my birthday and we were sitting outside on a bench while we were waiting for a table. Adam was talking about a friend at work who already has two children. He told Adam that him and his wife have decided they want to have another child. They have two boys and they really wanted a girl too. Adam said his friend would probably announce in a couple months that they are pregnant because she always gets pregnant fast.

He told me all that and then there was silence. We were sitting on the bench watching people as they walked by. Then Adam said, "It must be nice to just decide to get pregnant and then go ahead and get pregnant a month or two later." He even went on to say he can't even imagine what that would be like. He said for us deciding to have a baby is more complicated than buying a house. I said it's more like us trying to build a house from scratch all by ourselves even though we have no idea how to do it and don't own any tools.

Then just last week Adam was reading his Facebook newsfeed and he came across something my friend from college wrote. She is now pregnant with her third child. I don't know what it was that she wrote, but it caused Adam to say that it must be hard for me to read her status updates.

Wow, it felt so good for him to say that. It is really hard for me, but I have never said anything to him about it before.

Adam has always been the zen "It will happen when it happens" person. For him to now be saying what I have been feeling, it's really nice.

It only took seven years of trying for a family for it to happen, haha.

IComLeavWe

This is my first time participating in the International Comment Leaving Week. I am very excited! I told myself if I didn't have a baby by now, I would do my best to read all the blogs on the list. I am excited to get started today.

Welcome to my blog  :)

I hope you enjoy reading!

Father's Day

I am thinking of Adam today and wishing he was celebrating his first Father's Day. 

Sometimes I feel guilty because if he married someone else, he would have a family by now.

He is going to be an amazing father.

Support

We went to the drive in last night. I figured it would do us some good to get out. We always have fun when we go to the drive-in. And, hey, if I end up crying, at least I'll be in my own car! We saw Karate Kid and The Bounter Hunter. Karate Kid was the compromise movie. I sit through that and then Adam sits through the romantic comedy. To my surprise, I actually really liked Karate Kid. I recommend it.

As we were pulling out of the driveway to go to the drive-in, Adam noticed there was a package on the front porch. He stopped, ran up to get it, and then threw it in the backseat of the car. It was an amazon.com box and was addressed to me. I didn't have anything sharp to open the box with so it just sat there. Adam gave me a big lecture about spending money, but I kept insisting I didn't remember ordering anything!

We didn't get home until 2:30 in the morning. As soon as we got inside, I opened the package. It was a book called "The Woman's Book of Courage. Meditations for Empowerment and Peace of Mind." I found the slip in the box and there was a note from a friend of mine about how much this book helped her through some tough times.

I was then standing in my kitchen at 2:30 in the morning crying. Crying about how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life.

Just earlier that evening I was talking to Adam about how amazing that friend was for being there for me the day we got the call about the Iowa baby. She called me from work and talked to me about every detail of the situation. She helped me do the research needed to make the decision to move forward with the baby. I trust her 100% because she has already been through this process. She knows which risks are okay and which ones are just too much for Adam and I. I am so lucky to have someone like that to talk to and run everything by.

I have another friend who also adopted from our agency and her wait was even longer than the wait we have had so far. She has been amazing at keeping my hope alive. She knows what it's like to have a long wait and always knows the right thing to say. She sent me a lady bug pin for good luck and I keep it on my nightstand.

Between them, my twitter/blog friends, my amazing family, and Adam, I have a great support system.

Oh, did I mention how awesome my mom is? When I got the call about not being chosen for the Iowa baby, the kids were getting off the bus. She left work, came right over, told me to go relax (cry) in the bedroom, and played hot potato and other games with the kids until they got picked up.

Despite everything that has happened, I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

Trying to Pull Myself out of the Darkness

Thank you for all the love and support the last few days. Back to back rejection from Georgia and Nebraska hit me hard. I think things were made worse by the fact that our case worker was not the one who called either time. It was someone new at the agency who has no idea what we have been through. It felt like she was reading from a script and it was not comforting. She told me not to get discouraged. I'm way past discouraged.

On Friday when we got the call about Nebraska, I felt all hope being ripped from me. It felt like a giant rubber stamp hit me in the forehead and labeled me "hopeless." I mean how many rejections can you experience before you just stop believing it will ever be a yes?

I am trying to find a silver lining in it all. Not having to drive so far away and pay all the extra out of state costs... but really it just sucks. And it hurts so bad. I spent the entire weekend grieving. I barely even tweeted, which is a sure sign of some serious depression. Saturday morning I forced myself out of bed to go out in the world and be a normal person, but it felt like I was walking around with this heavy blanket of sadness over me. I didn't leave the house again the rest of the weekend.

My Mom thinks I will feel better if I accept the fact that we have to renew and just do it. She is probably right. I'm going to hold out two more weeks for the miracle and then give in. Before we can send the check in, we need to talk to the bank about taking out another loan. I can't believe it has come to this. The extra fees that come with having a long wait have finally forced us into another adoption loan. I am hoping they agree to lend us more money or else we are in big trouble. I don't think the bank wants to witness the meltdown that will happen if they say no to us.

It's Meatless Monday.

We had leftover white rice from our depressing Chinese dinner Friday night (whenever we find out we are not chosen for a profiling, we order Chinese food) so we are having this:

I scrambled some eggs, added the rice, and then a can of peas.

Broken

My car is broken. (An exhaust leak that the dealership said would cost $1,300 to fix.)

My phone is broken. (Internal crack in the screen that is growing.)

My laptop is broken. (Actually, Adam just pronounced it officially dead at 2:52 PM.)

My heart is broken. (See previous post.)

Nebraska

While I was standing out at the bus stop waiting for the kids to get off the bus, my cell phone rang. It was the adoption agency calling to tell me we did not get chosen for the Nebraska baby.

I asked why and got the same old line about how the expectant mother just connected with another family.

She told me not to get discouraged. Really?

Discouraged doesn't even begin to describe it.

I had to fight back tears in front of my neighbors and then get a bunch of kids off the bus and somehow manage to still not cry. When all I want to do is die right now.

The kids are eating snack and I am in the next room typing my feelings in hopes that it stops me from having a complete breakdown. It's not really working.

I still have to call Adam at work and tell him. I am putting it off because I don't know how I will hold it together after that.

If I had a regular job, I would leave right now and go home. I have absolutely no idea how I am supposed to go play with other people's children now.

Answer from Georgia

We got the call from our adoption agency telling us we were not chosen for the Georgia baby.

I am trying to tell myself the Georgia situation was more expensive than we could really afford anyway and that there were nine profiles that were sent down so we can't feel too bad about not being chosen.....blah, blah, blah....none of that makes me feel any better right now.

We are still waiting to hear from Nebraska. She is due Monday. I checked and then double checked with them on the phone that they are sure she is still thinking and deciding. 

32 Birthdays

Growing up, I had amazing birthdays. My parents had parties for me every year from the time I was one year old until I went away to college. Parties that all my friends loved coming to. We had so much fun. When I was in middle school and high school, my friends did such a good job at making my day special. I always had a decorated locker with crepe paper, signs, and balloons. Birthdays felt absolutely magical.

Then adulthood hits and everything just feels boring in comparison.

Then infertility hits and every birthday is a reminder of time passing. You are scared to death of getting older because you know it's a decline in your fertility. Not to mention just plain devestating that you aren't a mom yet. For the past few years, I have spent every birthday crying. I have not enjoyed a birthday in a long time. I have actually dreaded them.

Things feel a little different now.

Any chance of my fertility was wiped out with one surgery. So, this is no longer a countdown to all my eggs dying. They're gone.

It is still sad that I am having ANOTHER birthday without being a mom. I honestly didn't think that would happen.

BUT, I know I am going to be a mom this year.  I fully 100% believe that.

So, I can now say 32 is the age I will be when I become a mom.

That's pretty exciting, right?

We're being profiled for two babies. I woke up to twitter and facebook birthday messages that put a smile on my face. I think it might actually be okay to celebrate my birthday this year.

Of course a phone call with good news from the agency would make it even better....

;)

Georgia

We got a call from our adoption agency this evening. Of course as soon as I saw the caller ID number my heart started racing.  I thought it was an answer about the Nebraska baby. But, they were actually calling about a baby in Georgia!!

Adam and I could not help but laugh about the fact that we are being profiled in Nebraska and Georgia right now. (As I mentioned before, we usually get calls about babies in Western NY or Indiana.)

She said they needed an answer immediately because the profiles were going out via Fed Ex in ten minutes. I said yes!!

The baby is due FRIDAY!! They have a scheduled c-section.

So, if are chosen for this baby, we would have to be in Georgia by this weekend. Wow.

Now we wait....

My Secret Hope

One time the person we work with at our adoption agency told me a story about how someone was chosen by an expectant mother but the expectant mother noticed that the woman's birthday was in a few days and asked the agency if they would wait to tell her on her birthday so it would be an amazing birthday surprise.

I've been thinking about that a lot the last few days because my birthday is tomorrow and we're still waiting to hear about the Nebraska baby.

I don't really think it will happen, but it would be pretty amazing, wouldn't it?

I'm Okay

I really am okay.

Once I calmed down yesterday, I was able to think things through and realize that I was really feeling two things.

1. Hurt from the rejection. Being rejected over and over again over a 22 month period can beat a person down. If you let yourself think about it, you can start to really feel bad about yourself.

2. Fear. I didn't really care about that particular situation. I was crushed because I felt like not being chosen for that baby means we won't be chosen for the Nebraska baby (or any other baby for that matter.) What I have since reminded myself is that every expectant mother is different. They are each looking for different things in an adoptive parent/couple and not being chosen one time has nothing to do with what will happen another time. It's not about me. It's about whatever random thing they connected with when they looked at the profile they chose. (Of course that doesn't stop it from hurting each time.) Anyday now it could be our profile that an expectant mother will look at and find something they connect with. It's important I keep reminding myself of that. Otherwise, I would probably just give up.

I really want to be chosen for the Nebraska baby. (Duh.) There are a couple details about the situation that I feel a connection to. Plus the timing would be amazing. It's coming up on summer vacation for the kids, which means families with be going on vacations and there will be less kids here. It really would be the ideal time. Also, if we get chosen for this baby, we don't have to renew our homestudy. We are getting closer to having to make decisions about renewal and figure out how we would come up with the money. It's very stressful. I am still holding my breath for that miracle.

Thank you for the continued support. You have all been amazing. I can't tell you how many of your comments (and tweets) made me cry yesterday. Each one was like a giant comforting hug. Not just on yesterday's post, but the Hard Weekend post as well. I owe a huge thank you to Mel from Stirrup Queens for that. Both Mel and Kate from Busted Plumbing have been my Fairy BlogMothers. They are the reason I have the followers that I do. By highlighting posts of mine, telling me that my blog is good, encouraging me to keep writing, and sending people over to give me support, they have made my blog what it is now. Without them, there is no way I would have 98 blog followers. As I type that number I am absolutely amazed. Thank you!!!

so sick of the rejection

A few weeks ago we were called about a baby due in late August. Originally they thought it would be a quick decision, but then the expectant mother took some extra time and I stopped thinking about it because I figured she changed her mind.

Well, just now the agency called to say she made a decision. At first I was confused and thought it was the Nebraska baby. So, they cleared that up with me and then there was silence. So, I was like, "Well, I am guessing it wasn't us that was chosen then?" The whole conversation was very awkward. It was someone new at the agency who called. They actually just started a week ago. After telling us that we were not chosen AGAIN, she began saying things that sounded like she was reading from a script. Not at all comforting. From the things she was saying, you could tell she was not really taking into consideration that we have been waiting a very long 22 months. This is not my first rejection phone call.

I confirmed with her that there is no answer about the Nebraska baby yet. The expectant mother is still deciding.

Honestly, I have had hope and excitment about it all week, but I really don't anymore. I really don't have faith that we will ever be chosen.

I have been completely beaten down by this process. How much rejection can one person take? My gut feeling right now is that I just want to quit so I never have to feel this rejection again.

I am exhausted. I have barely slept this week. I now know we won't have an answer about the Nebraska baby until next week. I am so tired of waiting.

I feel like this process is slowly killing me. I barely even recognize myself anymore.

I am like a crazy person. If you read through my posts, I go from desperate depression to excitment and hope and then back to depression again. How much longer do I have to live like this?

I can barely see the screen through my tears right now and the kids will be here off the bus in a few minutes. I better go pull myself together, put on my pretend happy face, and hope for early picks ups for the kids today.

The Adoption Roller Coaster Continues

This past week has been a crazy roller coaster. The hair care class we took last week was a real high point for me. I enjoyed the class and felt great about speaking with the director. Then the weekend hit and it was a very low point for me. Now we are back up at a high point because we are being profiled!

It's for a baby in Nebraska!

Our adoption agency called this afternoon and went over all the details with us. I stopped her and said, "Did you say Nebraska?" I was very surprised. We are usually called for cases in New York. Occasionally there are some in Indiana. Never Nebraska.

But, hey, if we get chosen, I will be more than happy to go to Nebraska!!

The baby is due June 14.

All the profiles were sent via Fed Ex around 6 this evening. I am hoping we will hear a decision by Friday, but most likely we won't be hearing anything until next week. Although she doesn't have too much time to decide because that baby is coming soon!!

This whole process is so emotionally draining. All the ups and downs. Just when you feel like giving up, the process forces you forward and you find yourself going through a whole new series of ups and downs.

Adam keeps reminding me not to get my hopes up. I started to say it would be fun to take a road trip to Nebraska and he interupted me and told me not to get my hopes up. Pretty much everytime I open my mouth tonight, he tells me not to get my hopes up.

I can't help it!!!