Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Comfortably Numb

This is a hard post for me to write. It's going to leave me feeling very raw and exposed. But, I feel like I have to write about this.

I have been numb for a long time. The rejection that comes with a long wait is hard. After a while, I just shut down. I couldn't deal with the pain. And then the hysterectomy happened and that was really more than I could comprehend. It was so huge and life changing and it happened all within a couple weeks. I focused on missing work and the physical healing and ignored the reality of it.

I work from home. I don't leave the house a lot. We don't ever have money to spend (all extra money goes towards the adoption) so it's easier to just stay home. Getting together with people has become harder and harder for me. I feel uncomfortable. I feel embarrassed about where I am with my life. I watch a lot of television so I don't have to deal with my own life. I eat to make myself feel better. My eating issues and anxiety are strongly linked and I have had a really hard time with it during this wait. It's humiliating for me to talk about this, but it's the truth.

I wanted to get away for the weekend to try and ignore Easter so it would be less painful.

That didn't really work. What it did was force me out of my comfort zone and shove my face in reality.

I wasn't just out in the world. I was out in a major city during a holiday weekend. It was drastically different from what I am used to on a daily basis. There were people everywhere. At the aquarium, I couldn't take a step without running into another person. It felt suffocating. I sat on a bench and just looked at all the people. All the families. It's funny how being surrounded by people can make you feel more alone.

I saw no less than fifty pregnant bellies.

I suppose if you don't want to be reminded that you are childless, the zoo and the aquarium probably aren't the best ways to spend the day. But, that is who Adam and I are. All the things we like to do are child friendly.

Two times at the aquarium I sat down on a bench and then a new mother sat down right next to me to feed their baby. The second time it happened, I actually cried. Like a complete freak I sat there with tears running down my face pretending nothing is wrong.

This trip was a huge dose of reality. It was a major wake up call about how unhappy I am with my life right now. And it made me realize how numb to it all I have been.

I've been feeling things the last couple days and it hasn't been pretty.

One of my best friends will be giving birth any day now. I love her and I will love her baby, but it's still hard. I threw a baby shower for her when she was pregnant with her first child and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I just kept telling myself it will be my turn next. That was three and a half years ago. When she told me she was pregnant, I wasn't even upset. I told myself I would have my baby by the time her baby was born. I was excited about us having babies at the same time. Well, nine months have gone by and I am no closer to having my baby.

The last time we were profiled, the baby was due within two days of my friend's due date. I couldn't get over it. How cool. Our babies would be just days apart. We obviously weren't chosen. And the due date approaching is heartbreaking.

Someone else I know told me that they never want to have children. That they are completely at peace with that decision. Then they found out they are pregnant. She told me this afternoon. I had a minor meltdown. I mean, how can life possibly be this unfair?


  1. Oof, that last one especially stings.

    I'm sorry it has been so hard lately. I wish I lived nearby so that I could bring you cupcakes. :)

  2. *hugs* I don't know how life can be unfair. Maybe if we knew, it'd be easier to deal with?

    Thinking of you.

  3. If I could just reach out and throw my arms around you I would. It seems you must feel like you just keep getting beat to a pulp. I know it's so hard to keep the hope, but sometimes hope is all you have. I know you WILL be a great mommy when the time comes. Just keep reminding yourself that!! :)

  4. Oh Lisa, this post was heartbreaking to read. *hugs* I wish I could do something to make it feel better, but I know I can't. I can't possibly imagine what you're going through. Just know that you have friends and family who love you and we're all hoping and praying for you. You deserve a child so much... I hope all your wishes and dreams come true soon. *hugs*

  5. I'm so sorry things are so hard right now...I don't know what else to say except that I think it is better to share these things, get them out in the open and find support, than to hide inside with the TV and numb yourself with food. Sending strong and positive thoughts your way...

  6. I would give anything to give you a hug right now! I want so badly for you to become a mom because I know what an amazing mother you will be. Thank you for sharing with us, I know it is hard sometimes, but we are all here for you & will always do whatever we can.

  7. Thanks for being honest with this post. It's much easier to hide from life and ignore the pain, than to face it. Writing it down and releasing it into the blogosphere is a first step, but you have to work through these feelings.

    This is my 2nd time TTC - the first one was about nine years ago with my former husband. We tried for about a year (thank God it didn't work, considering the former part of the husband...) but we stopped because I ended up sinking into a very deep depression. Like I almost died, kind of depression... So I know that a very big part of this quest to have a baby, if it doesn't work exactly as planned, is the trouble that your mind can do to you. The mind struggle, for me, is much bigger than anything my body will ever go through.

    Hang in there, and please, try to find some support. A real life friend, or a therapist, or a church official, or someone. Very quickly in my TTC journey this time, I realized that the most important thing is for me to go to therapy every single week. I did a search on my insurance website, and found someone who specializes in infertility. She was infertile herself, and has adopted two girls, and she has been such a help to me. I encourage you to find someone like this. In the meantime, know that I, and others out here, are here for you.

  8. This was so heartbreaking and sad to read, but I admire you so much for writing it. You said what most of us are feeling and are afraid to admit. I would give anything to be able to snap my fingers and make you a mother, because I know in my heart that you will make a terrific one. What you are going through is not easy, but you are handling it with such strength and grace. Any child would be blessed to have you as a parent, and I hope that child comes along very soon.

  9. Everyones TTC journey is unique and I totally understsand the emotions. My BFF never wanted children either...infact, she frequently said -she loved having nieces and nephews, so she could visit and drop off. Then, out of no where, and thinking unable due to PCOS, she announced her pregnancy. she was shocked. they were confused and she wasn't really happy at all through her pregnancy. As equally as I was happy, I was just as equally jealous. How could I too have PCOS and be going through this emotional journey, wanting kids more than anything in the world - and her, not wanting kids and hearing about how unhappy she was pregnant. In the end, the baby is beautiful and they are beyond blessed and looking forward to their 2nd child. But I know your emotions and feelings. I left the hospital the day of their birth, and lost it. I've cried before sitting and watching a new mom...a family of 6 in the park. And its ok to cry.

    God has it in store for you to give a life to a precious child. We are foster parents and I tell you, you love these children the same as if they are yours...never do I think "They aren't really mine". I know the adoption journey will be a blessing for you.

    Sending prayers.

  10. I am so sorry that you are going through a difficult time. I have no words of wisdom, just sending a hug across the miles.


  11. I wish that I could hug you right now <3

  12. Oh the last one really hurts. :( I am so sorry. And I wish I had the words to make it better. :( *Hugs*

  13. I so wish I could hug and see you in person to tell you how very much I love and cherish you and your friendship. I think of you every single day and pray for your baby to come to you. It really isn't fair and I hate that you have had to go through so much. I wish I could do more but know that I am always here for you <3

  14. Theres nothing that can be said right now to change how you feel. I just read a lot of your other blogs from the past and totally get your frustration...I hope that your time for true happiness is around the corner because it just seems so unfair for you to have to go through so much.

  15. Lisa, I am so very sorry. I wish I could make everything right for you. I wish I could give you a baby. I wish you had everything you wanted. But I know I can't. It's not fair that you have to go through this. You're such a wonderful person. I hope you get your baby soon. <3

  16. Ouch. It totally sucks when people say they don't want kids and then they "accidentally" get pregnant. That's always a harder pill to swallow.


    I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

  17. Oh Lisa, I am so sorry! I just keep thinking that your day is coming. I can't imagine wanting something so much that is so visible in our society (seeing pregnant women). It is so hard. You have to stay strong. I can relate about the depression, but mine is something totally different. If you want to get together sometime let me know!!!

  18. Lisa, I'm sorry this is such a delayed response - I've been in my own little world for the last week. This post is so honest, and rang so true to me. I admire you so much for getting it out there. I too work from home so I understand 150% about that bubble that it's so easy to fall into. And about going out and getting together with people? I have blogged about the issues that I have (and that we same to share) on that.
    My only advice for you is to keep in your heart that you are a fantastic woman, Adam is a phenomenal man, and if numb is where it's at for you right now, don't fight it.
    I'm here for you if you need to chat, as everyone else before me has said! <3 huge hugs

  19. I love you girlie and I want you to know I am here for you. I've also become numb....and i feel like I'm not living...I'm surviving! I pray and wish for the very best for you!!! Maybe you, me and Daneen can meet up for a weekend in PA...just the girls! HUGE HUGS!

  20. I'm sorry - that last part truly does suck. Not gonna lie! But hang in there. (I know I keep saying this over and over.) But I really mean it! It will all be good in the end and you will wonder why you ever worried! ;)