This is a hard post for me to write. It's going to leave me feeling very raw and exposed. But, I feel like I have to write about this.
I have been numb for a long time. The rejection that comes with a long wait is hard. After a while, I just shut down. I couldn't deal with the pain. And then the hysterectomy happened and that was really more than I could comprehend. It was so huge and life changing and it happened all within a couple weeks. I focused on missing work and the physical healing and ignored the reality of it.
I work from home. I don't leave the house a lot. We don't ever have money to spend (all extra money goes towards the adoption) so it's easier to just stay home. Getting together with people has become harder and harder for me. I feel uncomfortable. I feel embarrassed about where I am with my life. I watch a lot of television so I don't have to deal with my own life. I eat to make myself feel better. My eating issues and anxiety are strongly linked and I have had a really hard time with it during this wait. It's humiliating for me to talk about this, but it's the truth.
I wanted to get away for the weekend to try and ignore Easter so it would be less painful.
That didn't really work. What it did was force me out of my comfort zone and shove my face in reality.
I wasn't just out in the world. I was out in a major city during a holiday weekend. It was drastically different from what I am used to on a daily basis. There were people everywhere. At the aquarium, I couldn't take a step without running into another person. It felt suffocating. I sat on a bench and just looked at all the people. All the families. It's funny how being surrounded by people can make you feel more alone.
I saw no less than fifty pregnant bellies.
I suppose if you don't want to be reminded that you are childless, the zoo and the aquarium probably aren't the best ways to spend the day. But, that is who Adam and I are. All the things we like to do are child friendly.
Two times at the aquarium I sat down on a bench and then a new mother sat down right next to me to feed their baby. The second time it happened, I actually cried. Like a complete freak I sat there with tears running down my face pretending nothing is wrong.
This trip was a huge dose of reality. It was a major wake up call about how unhappy I am with my life right now. And it made me realize how numb to it all I have been.
I've been feeling things the last couple days and it hasn't been pretty.
One of my best friends will be giving birth any day now. I love her and I will love her baby, but it's still hard. I threw a baby shower for her when she was pregnant with her first child and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I just kept telling myself it will be my turn next. That was three and a half years ago. When she told me she was pregnant, I wasn't even upset. I told myself I would have my baby by the time her baby was born. I was excited about us having babies at the same time. Well, nine months have gone by and I am no closer to having my baby.
The last time we were profiled, the baby was due within two days of my friend's due date. I couldn't get over it. How cool. Our babies would be just days apart. We obviously weren't chosen. And the due date approaching is heartbreaking.
Someone else I know told me that they never want to have children. That they are completely at peace with that decision. Then they found out they are pregnant. She told me this afternoon. I had a minor meltdown. I mean, how can life possibly be this unfair?